My Hope for Future Relationships

 My sweet girl,

As you get older and begin to experience more of the world, I want you to know a few things about love, relationships, and the person I hope you will one day choose to share your life with.

First, I hope you always remember that you are already enough. You do not need to change who you are, become someone else, or make yourself smaller to be loved. Be exactly who you are. The right person will love the parts of you that make you uniquely YOU. They will love your strength, your determination, your big heart, your quirks, your laughter, and even the parts of yourself you might sometimes struggle to understand. Never dim your light to make someone else more comfortable.

When you think about the person you want beside you someday, I hope you look beyond the butterflies and excitement of falling in love. Those feelings are wonderful, but I hope you find someone who is also your best friend. Someone who makes you laugh until your stomach hurts. Someone who enjoys the little, ordinary moments with you just as much as the big adventures. Someone who makes life feel a little lighter simply because you get to experience it together.

I hope you find someone who is kind. Not just kind to you when everything is going their way, but kind to the people around them. Someone who treats others with empathy and compassion, who can put themselves in someone else's shoes, and who understands that being a good person matters more than being right.

I hope you find someone who makes you feel safe. Someone you can tell anything to without being afraid of being judged or made to feel small. Someone who listens when you speak, respects your feelings, and understands that your voice matters just as much as theirs. A healthy relationship should never make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells. You should be able to disagree, work through hard things, and still feel loved and respected.

And sweetheart, I hope you find someone with integrity. Someone whose actions match their words. Someone who is honest, even when honesty is uncomfortable. Someone who takes responsibility for their mistakes and is willing to grow alongside you. Love isn't about finding someone who never makes mistakes. It's about finding someone who is willing to own them, learn from them, and work through life's challenges with you.

I want you to know something else, too. Sometimes life doesn't turn out the way we thought it would. Sometimes the plans we make fall apart, and sometimes the people or experiences we thought would be part of our forever become part of our story in a different way. I have learned that those unexpected changes often have a silver lining, even when we can't see it at the time. Sometimes the path we never planned to take leads us exactly where we were meant to be.

So if you ever find yourself in a relationship that doesn't work out, please don't think that means you failed. It doesn't mean you weren't enough, and it doesn't mean you have to settle for something that doesn't feel right. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to grow. You are allowed to choose a different path. And you are allowed to walk away from something that no longer serves you.

I hope you never confuse being loved with being chosen by someone. You are worthy of love simply because you are you. The person you choose should add to your life, not define your worth.

And when I think about the woman you are becoming, I feel so much pride. You are strong. You are determined and driven. You have an incredibly kind heart, and you are capable of giving so much love to the people around you. I see the way you care, the way you show up, and the way you keep going even when things are hard. Those are qualities that will make you an incredible partner and, if motherhood is something you choose someday, an incredible mother.

But I hope you also remember that you don't have to give everything you have to everyone else. Your heart is precious, and it deserves to be cared for, too. You deserve someone who gives back to you, who supports your dreams, who celebrates your accomplishments, and who reminds you that you don't have to carry everything alone.

I hope the love you experience someday is full of laughter, friendship, kindness, respect, honesty, and a whole lot of grace. I hope you feel free to be yourself. I hope you feel supported in becoming whoever you want to be. And I hope you always know that you deserve a love that feels like a safe place to land.

Until then, keep growing into the beautiful, strong, thoughtful, determined young woman you are. Keep being curious. Keep dreaming big. Keep trusting yourself. And never forget that no matter what life brings your way, you will always have a mother who loves you, believes in you, and is cheering you on.

I love you more than words could ever explain.

Always and forever,

Mom

2025

 I’m now realizing that it has been a couple years since my last post. Life goes by so incredibly quickly and I wish that I had written more down about my sweet babies as my youngest is about to turn 10 I reflect on the last decade of motherhood, and the two kiddos that have grown me into the woman I have become Through their challenges and their strength. They have taught me more than I could’ve ever learned on my own. Braden is about to graduate fourth grade and Madi is completing her first year in junior high. How did this day come so quickly? 

I realize that I haven’t written since the divorce was final. So many changes in 4 years. I never thought this would be a chapter in my life either. 

Smart Phones are never going to happen....

 I have recently become a high school mentor with Utah Online School. It's actually been a very rewarding job and I really enjoy it. I love working with teens, I always have. In the past I have mostly worked with younger kids but Zach and I always seemed to teach 15 year olds in Sunday School. 

Anyways, I have been doing all that I can to support these kids. Finding writing contests so they can earn money for college, answering late night homework questions, creatively motivating them and more. Last night I found myself down the rabbit hole of the fears of social media. I know how much more pressure kids are facing today with tech. It's so scary and it's not something I really had growing up. The social pressures to fit in, the early addictions to porn, the cyber bullying. It's all so much and I only know the tip of the iceberg. 

I am so scared to be a parent to teens. I have no clue what I am doing. 

But I know I have a couple of amazing kids who will of course have trials but know they have two parents that love and support them no matter what. 

January 2021

I think we all had hope that when the clock struck midnight on December 31st our Fairy Godmother would appear in the sky and wave her magic wand to erase the crappy year that was 2020. That didn’t happen and the year started rough. I feel like every person in my life had the worst year. I know of no one that came out of this year unscathed. 

As I reflect on the upcoming year and my hopes for the future I think about my babies and the world they are in. Madison is so ahead of her years with her thoughts and questions lately. I know she will grow up to be a smart, free thinking woman. She continues to amaze me every day with her kindness. She is such a good kid. I hope if I can pass one thing on to my children is that they need to be kind to others. This world is already so dark, it’s their job to spread the light. 

November Elections

If the time between this post and the last tells you how quickly time passes in parenthood, then you will truly begin to understand this crazy time. I feel like I was just writing about the first week of school and here we are several months in to it.  I am currently sharing a twin size bed with a sweet 5 year old staring at his tiny face in the glow of the hall light. It is giving me some peace in the crazy world of today. 

Elections are going on this week. I think the entire country has been in a heightened state of anxiety because of it. Between Trump and Biden the world is split. Shady things going on on both sides and each side is prepared for battle. It’s hard to explain to Madison everything going on with both parties while still maintaining age appropriate answers. The world isn’t just black and white, baby girl. THERE IS SO MUCH GREY. Polls closed tuesday and we still don’t know who won. Big cities have boarded up their shops to avoid destruction during the possible riots. RIOTS?! This is the world I am raising my kids in, and I hate it.  Covid turned the world upside down. 7 months ago I enjoyed the extra time with my kids and staying inside all together, but it had turned the outside world into and ugly place.  I am thankful they have been able to return to school and have some sort of normal schedule, I know my friends in California haven’t been as lucky. 

I am trying my hardest to raise my children to be good people but I have felt drained this week. Felt like the things I am doing aren’t enough and find myself overwhelmed often because of it. This journal has been like therapy to me. I am honest. I vent all my feelings both good and bad. I’m sure at times it seems like this whole thing is only complaining, I don’t mean for it to be. I just want the honest record of it all. When my kids are older and having babies of their own I don’t want to have the “rose colored glasses” remembering everything as perfect. That isn’t helpful to new parents. I want my kids to know they aren’t alone in this whole parenting thing. So my babies, if this comes off harsh I hope you understand it isn’t meant to be. I love you both so deeply and I already get depressed thinking about how quickly the time is going by. 

Motherhood is wild - first week of school 2020

Summer has ended and the first week of school for both my children has started. We are lucky that in the state of Utah they are allowing in person learning as covid-19 still rages on across the US. I secretly think they will have a spike in numbers with the up coming flu season and they will get scared and send everyone home again to distance learn. I pray that isn’t the case but I fear it may. Life has slowly been returning back to normal after the weirdest summer we’ve ever had. The kids are back in gymnastics, we moved to our new home, school started and we are beginning to feel settled in to a routine again. 

Braden started kindergarten last week. He may have been smiling under his mask but I was bawling behind mine. I did so good holding it together for Madison and only a few tears as I got in to the car. The following week we took Braden for his first day and I could not contain it. The principal was walking around with his boom box playing “try everything” by Shakira. Our preschool song... playing... as I said good bye to my baby. The song that played at the start of every preschool day, to the boy who has been to preschool with me since the womb. It seemed fitting to start this next chapter with that song. I could sense the excitement and fear as Braden grabbed my hand. After we dropped him off I sobbed in the car while Zach and I drove to breakfast, something we had been DREAMING of for years. The day of celebration when our babies would finally both be in school and we could enjoy or time alone  together. But motherhood is funny like that — the thing you want most is a break from it all and when that break happens you just want them back. 

I was taking to a girlfriend who chose distance learning for her daughter this year because of covid. She was worried about keeping her home from kindergarten. I told her about my “bonus year” with Madi and how much fun it was for us. I enjoyed the extra year I got to be with her and do things as a family. At the time I remember being so upset and stressed about her missing out that I didn’t really realize how much of an actual bonus it was. That year flew by.... and then the next 2 flew by, and here we are starting third grade. Walking in to her first day with all the confidence I could have ever hoped for for that little girl. Not the scared, crying, little one I had to drag out of the car two years before. 

Pathetic is that I’m currently sobbing while writing this in my bed — but I want to remember. 

When the world exploded in March school was switched to online  and all the kids were sent home. Preschool was cancelled. Stores were closed and there was nothing to do but be together. Now, I’m a fun mom. I really am. And I was fun from about March - May. Then I was a burnt out, grumpy mom, counting down the minutes till school started again and I didn’t have to be their teacher anymore. However the minute they got out of the car my heart sank and I wanted them back. 

It really hit me this week that we are on to the next chapter. I knew it had quietly been sneaking up on me this past year but now it’s like BAM it’s here. Deal with it. I was talking to Madi about what she wanted for her birthday and it was all “grown up” things. Braden is suddenly independent. They don’t need me for the things they used to. What used to fill my mornings with bubble guppies and doc mcstuffins is now these weird tween cartoons and medical / science shows they like watching. WHAT?! When did this happen?! They wake up on their own and make breakfast before I’m even out of bed. 

When you’re a new mother you BEG for time to pass quickly. You miss your “previous life” and can’t wait for your kids to grow to get some of that freedom back but I’m here to tell you... I’m at the beginning of that stage right now and if I could rewind the last decade with the knowledge I have now, I would. I would soak in every late night, every sleepy snuggle, every silly song, every belly laugh, every messy face, or bubble bath because before you know it they are just gone. There is no warning that today is their last day as a baby.... it just slowly slips away and in their place is a smart sassy kid. 

So this is my reminder to myself to SOAK IT IN. Soak in their childhood years right along with them. Put down your damn phone and just be there in the moment. The quote “the years are short but the days are long” drove me nuts as a new mother but oh how true those words echo in my head. 

Last week in our first home

I’m currently admiring my garden as the sun begins to set. I can hear the crowds from the baseball games at the park near our home. The breeze rustling the leaves of our cherry tree.  A dog barking at the apartments across the way. Cars wizzing by. And the occasional train chugging along. 

Our house is old but it is perfect. In the evenings our entire backyard is in the shade, so it’s perfect for hosting parties during the summer. 

We’ve lived in this home the last 3 1/2 years. Braden had birthdays 2-5 in this backyard and it went up for sale on his 5th birthday. The backyard is huge. It’s home to a shed, plum tree, cherry tree, and two garden boxes Zach built. We have poured so much love in to this home. We have done countless projects along the way. We love our neighbors, and though it may be old, we loved this house too. We have learned so much as first time home owners, we’ve made mistakes and learned from them. 

We weren’t planning on moving any time soon. This new house literally fell in our laps and felt so right. It’s only a year old, same amount of bedrooms, still a good size yard, but it has a basement and an actual master bedroom and closet. It checked so many boxes of all the dreams we had for our old house and the deciding factor for us was that Madison didn’t have to change schools which would help with the anxiety about moving. Also the market is hot and we had quite a bit of equity in our home so financially it was the right thing to do as well. I am thankful to no longer be spending all our extra money fixing up this house. It will be a blessing all around, I think. 

This week I’m just trying to soak it all in. The good and the bad that this house has to offer. I will miss my garden. I will miss the view of the mountains from my bedroom window. I will miss how the afternoon light pours in the front room window. I will miss sitting on that couch watching cars pass by. I will miss seeing milo perched up on that same couch waiting for us to come home. I will miss waiving at all my friends as they pass by.  I will miss hearing baseball games on summer nights.