You had a life outside of parenthood to continue, and while I stopped mine, I accommodated yours. For a period of time, we moved often and lived out of boxes. Once, we even resided in a single bedroom of your parents house. For years, I manned the night wakings and offered my body around the clock to our babies as the only consistent comfort amidst constant upheaval.
Whenever you were off from work, I took our toddler out the minute she woke up so you could sleep sleep just a little longer, but not always without resentment. I remember one morning, as I walked around, killing time with our little girl attached, I muttered, “I can do all this by myself.”
Because of life’s inherent uncertainty, I’ve actually considered the truth of that statement. I’ve now been a stay-at-home mom for almost five years and have wondered if I could actually survive on my own. Emotional well-being aside, would I even be able to provide food and shelter? I never thought I’d ask myself that question, being the self-sufficient woman I thought myself to be, but the honest answer is yes, I’d be fine. After all, I’m a go-getter, and that’s the reason all this staying home has been hard in the first place. Right?
I’d make it, although there’d be details to figure out. You’re the dreamer, and you build our lives on the fantasies you manifest. Your job is the one that would allow us to live a life of freedom and adventure in around the world one day. I don’t have a vision for life without you, and the only notion of home I have is wherever we are. But I certainly wouldn’t head for the jungle on my own, and I wouldn’t do a new city either.
You’re are graduated now, and because you sometimes work 15 days a month, and 24 hours a day, I know that technically I can do this by myself. I pack bags and load babies like a boss. I clean toilets and play hide-and-seek simultaneously. I disguise trips to the grocery store as outings for cookies and have prepared many a meal with one hand. But despite my capability, I count down the time for you to come home, not because I so desperately need you to change the next diaper or fill the next sippy cup, but because I want you
I don’t necessarily need you to carry scooters and tell the kids when it’s time to turn around while out on family walks. I need you to hold my hand and talk to me.
I can put all the dishes away and find the missing shoe by myself, but with you, farts are funny, and ice cream tastes better.
I can certainly put the kids to sleep by myself (sort of), but when we stroll together, the full moon looks fuller, and I’m inclined to admire it longer.
I can take our daughter to preschool by myself, but when that cute little boy beelines to say good morning to her, and another boy helps her with a problem, I notice the sweetness, but I don’t giggle like I would with you.
I don’t need you to share parenting responsibilities with me out of fairness or survival, but for the joy of doing so. With you, the funny moments are funnier, the cute moments are cuter, and contrary to the pattern, the terrible moments are less so. Life is simply better with you.
We don’t only co-parent, we co-experience life.
We create and reflect on the same reality, and that somehow deepens the meaning of it all. When I see a beautiful sunset, and you say, “Look at that!” you validate what I see, and all of a sudden the colors become even brighter and more captivating.
I don’t necessarily need you for practical or worldly reasons, but I need you to know me. When I laugh, you’re aware of exactly why. And when I don’t say anything at all, you read my mind. You love my insecurities as you do my strengths, and your understanding gives me confirmation of myself. We’re like two beings from the same source, who get to witness more of themselves through each other.
It’s true that I don’t need you to survive. I need you for so much more.
You are my everything and there is no place else I would rather be then with you. I feel safe and can relax when you are home. This last year has caused so many changes in our marriage as we adapt to new roles in parenthood. We have had ups and down, and battling depression for me didn't help at all. But you gave me strength. When I have a thought that "I can do this alone" I am reminded that I could never do it with out you. We have done well so far raising two beautiful babies together. I appreciate every morning that you get up with the children so I can sleep just a few more minutes. That you work hard around our house even when your tired. That you always tell me I'm beautiful every day. That you say I love you often. You teach your children to be kind and loving. You play pretend. You love their Mom. You are our rock.
You are a big part of our family, we couldn't do this without you, never for get that.
We love you, Daddy.
