A better Mother

5/24/17

Today was a rough day. Zach was gone and we were were at our wits end. First day of summer and by 11am we've run out of things to do. My children have a hard time understanding that we can't go to the zoo and spend lot of money every single day. Summer has begun and lots of the time will be spent at our house just finding stuff to do. 

I told Madison that to "earn" technology she needed to do homework or chores. Each page or chore would be worth 5 minutes. She got angry and this morning refused to do any work. She is upset at every suggestion and saying "IM BORED" over and over. I had finally had enough and yelled at her. 

She responded with "If you were a better Mother, you'd be ashamed of yourself right now"

Ouch. Those words stung so deeply. I know she didn't know what she was saying but how much truth echoed through her words. If you were a better mother, you'd be ashamed of yourself right now. Woof. I thought about this the rest of the day as we continued to argue and find no common ground. It was a hard day for both of us. Then when we finally made amends and things started to cheer up, brother decided to have a bad day and things came crashing down again. It felt like I just couldn't win today. 

Parenting is never easy. We have good days. We have bad days. Our children see all of that. What kind of mother do I want them to remember? One that yells? One that is always angry? Or do I want them to remember one that is kind, and spoke softly, one who helped others, was always singing or humming a song. One who truly loved them. 

Madison fought dirty today. At another point in our day she said she hated this house and wished that we still lived in our tiny apartment because I was nicer there. Man she really knows how to pack those bunches. Its opened a lot of  Mommy Self Reflection on my part. Hopefully it will be a good thing and tomorrow will be better. However, I'm terrified to fight with her as a teenager. Lets pray she does not fight dirty then or I may end up curled up bawling in the corner. 

Happy Mothers Day to ME!

This is my 5th official Mothers Day.. if you count the one where Madi was still in cooking. It's amazing to look back on how much my life has changed and how much I have grown as a woman.

A girlfriend of mine was present to photograph the birth of Braden. Some of the images she captured are my most prized possessions. She asked me what birth has taught me. This was my response:

"Birth has taught me that I am stronger than I ever thought possible and my body can do incredible things. With my daughter, it prepared me and turned me in to a mother. To think of someone else's needs before my own and to grow as a woman. With my son, it taught me that in that same beautiful moment; life can end as quickly as it begins. It's hard to think that the happiest and scariest moments of my life occurred on the same day and only minutes apart. I learned to cherish every happy, scary, sweet and sad moment that life has to offer. Birth never goes as planned and no two are the same, they are as unique as the mothers that endure it. But oh what a beautiful thing to endure."

Isn't that the truth? Giving birth brought me to this whole new level of amazing women who call themselves Mothers. I'm sad to say that my days of pregnancy and child birth are behind me. Though I am completely ok with only having two children, the rest of the world seems to think differently. We live in Utah... where most people believe the more children, the better. They seem stunned when at such a young age I am confidant in my decision to have no more children. It is usually follow up with several inappropriate questions and mostly I just want to shake them and yell I ALMOST DIED GIVING BIRTH TO THE LAST ONE. Which granted isn't the main reason for not having any more children but it is a big one.

Our life is perfect with the two of you. It's also complicated with our situation because of how much your Dad works. We don't know how long this career will last, but we know for now I wouldn't be able to handle having another child. What if I get put on bedrest at 4 months pregnant with two small children around. What if I go in to labor early? What if Zach has to miss it? Zach is gone every other week, its just not a good idea for us. Truthfully I grew up in a family of two. There are times when I wish I had another sibling to turn to when William is driving me crazy. Because there is only two of us and we love each other. I want to give my children the best in life and give you every opportunity. Zach grew up in a family of 5 boys. They didn't experience the finer things in life. Not that I believe children should be spoiled, but I'd like them to be comfortable.

My world revolves around two little people. My children see my good days and my bad. They know how to make me smile and how to push my buttons. They know me better than probably anyone. Sometimes I feel like I have "lost myself" in motherhood but really it was these two who helped me find who I am supposed to be. I am grateful to be their mother.