Its been a while...

I haven't written in this journal in quite some time. I feel like I'm going through what I will call " the dark ages". I have been dealing with some major depression lately and have lost interest in several things in my life. The thing I forget, is that this journal, though consuming at times, is actually a relief for me as well. Its a moment for me to breath and to speak without holding back and with no judgement. In the "Mom World" I feel like every time I open my mouth its a chance for another mother to judge my parenting, my personality, and everything in between. Mom's are some of the most opinionated people I know. The last thing I would do is admit to a fellow mother that I'm struggling.

However this journal is for my children. Who, many years from now when reading this, will (hopefully) not judge me too harshly but have a better understanding that their Mother is a real person with emotions.

Now to tell you how things are currently going. In January Zach started his job with Classic Air Med. This has been a blessing and a curse in our life. The money has been a big help but it has been so hard to have Zach leave us for 6-8 days at a time. The single Mom life is so difficult. This has only been magnified because of my depression. I have a short fuse, I have no desire to clean the house, do laundry, my Young Women calling, or anything for that matter. I yell at my children every day and I'm not the mother I was or want to be. I cry every night after I tuck my babies in bed and realize what a horrible mother I was that day.  I hope that you are both small enough right now that you will never remember this part of your mother and this phase will be over quickly. We've started looking at houses because my babies need to have more space to grow up in. However, that was again put on hold as Zach applied for a job with the FBI and has passed their first round of testing. He will have a few more rounds before we will know if he got the job or not. If he gets the job he will leave us for SIX MONTHS for training and then we aren't even sure where we will end up. So perhaps his current job has just been practice for me being alone for SIX MONTHS. Ugh. My heart heart even thinking about it.

I feel stuck. I feel like we as a family can't move forward because we are waiting to find out what that next step is. Its so hard for be because as much as we need a bigger place, we love our ward, our neighbors and our location. One day many years from now we will laugh at the time we lived in 500 square feet for over three years with a husband, wife, daughter, son and a dog but for now its our every day. Truthfully, we've done well with our space. Its starting to feel a little cluttered and cramped but I just pretend I'm living in an apartment in New York and everyone only has this much space.... except we are paying a third what they pay there for rent. Yikes!