Your first road trip

Madison, this weekend you are 6 weeks old and took your first road trip. Just you and I all the way to California. You are so amazing. You slept all the way from our house to St. George. We spent the weekend at my cousin Genel's house and her triplets were obsessed with you. It was the cutest thing. I was a little worried because I didn't know how you would handle the VERY loud noises and the rough manner in which everyone held you, but you took it like a champ. You slept well through the night and again I was worried because there was no bed for you to sleep in. So the first night I made you a bed on the floor but the heater didn't turn on and we both started to freeze. So I quickly wrapped you up and you spent the rest of the night asleep in my arms. Oh the things we do for our children. The second night the heater worked but I didn't want you on the floor so I shared my twin bed and you were a very good sleeper. You slept FOUR HOURS straight last night. Oh happy day! I think one day I will look back and miss those middle of the night feedings and the sweet sweet cuddles you give me. You have such a sweet personality Madi. You are laid back and so happy. I am so lucky to have you as my daughter. I have a hard time letting others hold you. I just want to hold you and take care of you all the time because I'm your momma. The rest of the road trip you did just fine. You slept the entire time aside from the one time you felt alone and started to cry. We are now in California at grandma and grandpa Murray's house. As usual they have completely spoiled you. They bought everything you could imagine to make your stay comfortable. Their dogs however, are beyond horrible so they had to be put in boarding while we're here. It's sad to say that as much as I love those dogs, I will be slightly glad when they go.

I miss your dad a lot. I hope you know how much I love him. He works so hard for our family and is such an amazing man. I hope that you one day grow up to marry a man just as wonderful. One who is your best friend in life, who will treat you well and take care of you. I'm sure your dad won't be happy when you start dating. It will be hard on him because he cares about you so cut him some slack every once and a while.

Madi baby

I haven't slept in a month. I assume I won't be sleeping for the rest of my life. I'm a Mom now, it comes with the job.

That being said, my brain is very foggy. I forget things all the time. You will learn as a Mom that you make up all sorts of stupid things when talking to your little one all day. You are lonely and say/do anything to make baby happy and keep yourself feeling sane.

For instance I talk to you all day long, almost expecting you to answer. Yes, I know you wont tell me if I look good in this dress or if you need your diaper changed-- but still I ask you.

This is the "song" I sing you when you are being fussy. It means nothing, just a jumble of words but you like it

Madi Madi is the baby, baby baby is the Madi.. Madi Baby..




Yup, I'm a wierdo.

One Month

I can't believe how quickly time is flying by. Perhaps its the lack of sleep causing days and nights to blend together and losing all track of time. Lets see what you are up to these days..

*You eat every three hours.
(which means you are up every 3 hours at night to eat too, hopefully you will start sleeping longer)
*Occasionally you figure out how to suck your thumb and its adorable.
*You are the STINKIEST child I have ever met. You can clear the room when you break wind and put your 5 uncles to shame.
* Every morning we have "sunshine time" and we sit in the sun playing and listening to music. You roll around and "dance" while mommy sings.
*You take at least 30 minutes to wake up from a nap but once you are awake you are so happy. -- Just like your Dad.
*You are  generally an extremely happy baby and only cry when you are hungry. We are so lucky.
*Grandma Vikki even says you are one of the best babies ever. She LOVES having you live here. She currently works from home and is always running upstairs to just come cuddle you for a minute.
* According to the bathroom scale, you now weigh 8 1/2 pounds.
* I think that your eyes are going to stay blue, like mine.
*You love to be cuddled, and I will gladly hold you all the time.
* All of Daddy's friends say "awww" when they see your pictures.
*Your cheeks have started to fill out and you are looking more and more like me (I think)


You decided that you needed to be held the entire time I am writing this. So of course I am holding you and typing this one handed.. you should be VERY impressed.

All dried up

First I must say that this entry might be too much personal information about your mom, so feel free to skip it if you would like.
Tonight I am sad. Since the moment you have come into the world I have always wanted the best for you. You hear over and over the benefits of breastfeeding babies vs. formula.  I knew I was going to nurse and I knew it would be hard but worth it. I have heard horror stories from friends of the pain and difficulty associated with nursing but I was going to give it my best try because I wanted you to have the best start. Well I found out within an hour of you being born that this just wasn't going to work for us. Apparently ladies have big nipples that stick out like pinkie fingers and newborns have no problem latching on. I do not. There is nothing for you to latch on to. I talked with 3 different lacktation specialists and have been felt up by countless women all trying to get this to work. I also wasent producing anything and started to worry when nothing was happening and I was not feeding you. The doctor said it was fine and that it could take up to 4 days before my milk came in. I started to worry thinking, so my baby starves for 4 days?! I supplemented with formula just to make sure you were at least fed and tried pumping all the time to get my supply up. A total of 5 days after you were born my milk started coming in. What a relief. However my nipples still never got the message and so I would have to pump and serve. The first week home I tried a nipple shield with a small tube hooked up to it that I would pump the breastmilk I already pumped. So it was supposed to be as close to nursing until my body figured it out. But you have to understand that trying to get all the stuff set up in order to "fake" boob feed you, while you are screaming, and Dad isnt home.....It just was not going to work. I caved and said screw it, you can do bottles. So then we were left with just pump and serve and this worked out ok. I was not sure how long it would last because it was hard to go places when you were tied to this stupid machine. And between feeding you every 3 hours (which took 35 minutes to do) then pump for 10 minutes and clean up, it felt like it was time to start all over again. I promised myself I would go for as long as I can. Deep inside I honestly felt a stab at my motherhood. How can I not do the one thing my body is designed to do? UGH!!!!

As the days went on, my supply started to go up and I started to feel better about this whole thing. Then suddenly I could barely produce an ounce on each side. So I called the doctor and read everything online to try and get my supply to go back up. No luck. Frustrated that I am now not producing enough to feed you, I again had to supplyment with formula.

Then the breastfeeding titanic hits an iceberg. I got the flu. I wanted to die and was so out of it from being so sick and taking care of a newborn, I forgot to pump 2 times in a row. Damn. This didn't help the situation. Then I tried to pump and nothing came out. NOTHING! Its now been a day and again, nothing is coming out. I think I am all dried up.

I'm sorry Madi, I tried, I really did. I feel like I let you down. I feel like I let myself down.

Tomorrow is my final effort to pump. If nothing happens then that's the end for us and you will be a chubby formula baby.  I hope you have better luck with you babies if you choose to breast feed.

Due Date

Well today was your official due date and instead it marks the third week of your life. I know it is so cliche but time is flying by. Its hard to think that this time three weeks ago I was sitting in my hospital room with a new little baby in my arms only an hour and a half old. I now know why new parents don't sleep-- partly because of their new little one that wants to eat all the time but I think the other half is because if we close our eyes, even for just a minute, we will wake back up and you will be leaving for college. I love every moment with you Madison.

You are such a good baby and I am so lucky to have you for my daughter. You make me smile every day and I love being your mom. Even though you have already pooped on me, I still love you.

Breastfeeding still sucks. No one tells you about this stuff until you are going through it. Your nipples feel like they are going to fall off and supposedly it gets better but I am here to tell you that I am on week 3 and it still kills every time I pump. So little one, remember how much I love you because I sacrificed my ENTIRE body for you.

 Every morning from 10-11 the sun shines in your crib so we have "sunshine time". It first started to help combat your jaundice but you loved it so much we kept doing it. We strip you down and you "dance" in the sun while I play music. You are completely content and happy just playing there. 

 on occasion you have been known to hold your own bottles during feedings, its extremely cute.

 Everyone celebrating with chocolate cigars.

 This was the award dinner for Dad that we went to on our anniversary. You were only 9 days old!

Grandma and Grandpa Murray went back to California today. They are going to miss you so much.