Boom. Encouragement.

Madison sleeping in her own bed at night has been a struggle for literally 3 years. Since the day we moved her to a "big girl" bed we have been unable to get that girl to sleep anywhere except my bed or floor. She has night terrors, sleep walks, sleep talks, and basically just never sleeps.

However the time has come that it is very important for her to sleep in her own bed. We have tried every form of bribery but nothing has worked. Earlier this month I sang the National Anthem at an Owlz baseball game. I was terrified. It has been at least 10 years since I have actually performed like that. However, I put on a brave face and did it. Madison asked if I was nervous but I told her sometimes we do things that scare us and we just need to be brave. I sang the song and when I finished the nerves went away and I wasn't scared anymore.

Two nights later she started sleeping in her own room through the night. We are on night 4 right now and we will see how she continues to do but today I over heard her talking to a friend and she said "my mom singing gave me encouragement to sleep in my own bed at night. We can do scary things"

I AM SO FREAKING PROUD OF HER!

Feeling Defeated

Today sucked. I am tired. Mad. Grumpy. Frustrated. Feeling fat. Feeling lonely. Feeling like a crappy parent. Just all around sucky day.

Last night we got word that Zach would NOT be getting an interview for the job with Air Med that we were really hoping for. This job would have allowed more time at home and for him to be able to come to church with us on Sundays. You see, in the last 6 months I think he has only been able to be with us at church maybe 4 times. Not only is it sad for Zach to not be able to take the sacrament and feel of the spirit, but is also hard for me to wrangle two kids through church all by myself. Thankfully Braden is big enough for nursery now or there is a LARGE chance we would be completely inactive right now.

We are frustrated. Frankly, I'm a little mad with the Guy upstairs too. WHY can't he have this new job? The pay was the same it was just more time with his family. We weren't being greedy money hungry people. We simply wanted more time together. Truthfully, I hate this job with all my heart. Yes I am grateful that it pays the bills and we are finally able to afford a home and all that we currently have. BUT I MISS MY FREAKING HUSBAND. Do you know how upsetting it was to talk with him last night and hear the pain in his voice about not getting the job? He wanted to be home just as much as we wanted him to be home. What is even worse is that he wasn't here to comfort. He was in an entire different state BECAUSE of this stupid job. I try to look at the positive "well at least when hes off he's with us all day long" but sometimes that isn't enough. We try to make it count when he is home, but it's almost like I wont allow myself to truly enjoy the time he is home because before I know it he will be gone again. What trial am I supposed to learn from this? How much longer will it continue? I know everyone always says "its because something better is meant for you". But what? When? SO many questions and feeling like they are a shout in the dark with no response. It makes you lose hope.

I have struggled so much the last two years. I want to blame post partum depression however, I do not believe that is the case. I believe it is truly this job. It has caused me to be more stressed out and up tight than I ever was before. I was not made to be a single mother and I did not sign up for marriage to do this alone. Parenting via Facetime is not effective and a relationship via text message is not a strong one. Yes, we talk all day long but it isn't the same as having him home every night and feeling his arms around me. When I've had an extra rough day, there is no comfort, no break. I just do it all over again the next day. I KNOW this is not Zach's fault. I just want the guy around. I do not have the patience to be ALONE with my children for 6 days straight. I can make it about three days before I completely lose my shit and turn in to a manic. My children do NOT deserve this. I know they don't. I can see how my behavior is rubbing off on them and that is making it even worse. I mean truly.... I yell and now they yell. I say unkind things and they say unkind things to each other. Monkey see. Monkey do. You feel defeated as a parent. I am not enough for them. I am not a perfect parent. No one is. But when I only had Madison I was so much more put together. I was kind and patient. Poor Braden only knows this psycho of a lady he is forced to grow up with. Damn it, no two year old deserves to be yelled at like that kid gets. Honestly, he is more of a handful than Madison ever was so some of it is deserved but sometimes its not. I don't want my children to remember me this way. It breaks my heart and I cry myself to sleep more than I'd like to admit.

I keep telling myself that Two kids was our number. I justify it in so many ways and people have kind of stopped asking if/when I am having more. Truthfully, we wanted 4 and I think if he had a normal job working 9-5 would probably would have had two more. It is just too hard to do this alone.

We will get through this trial. It may kill us but we will make it through.

Ugh. I am just angry. To my children reading this in the future. It's ok to be angry. Hell, it's even a little therapeutic to write down everything you are feeling.  Sometimes you need to get those emotions out. Find a healthy way that you can express how you are feeling.

The Thank You I Never Got

I've been having trouble lately. I got in to an argument with a family member over a situation where I'm not totally sure what happened but feelings were hurt. Even though we resolved the issue, I still feel that I was wronged and would appreciate an apology. I am a person that talks things to DEATH. Especially when I don't understand a situation and feel like I didn't get closure for it. I want to talk to her again but I fear bringing anything up would only cause more drama. But I wanted that closure, I wanted to talk it to death until I felt a resolve and I wanted to move on as if nothing happened. I finally decided to talk to my friends about it and seek advice. I got mixed reviews on if I should talk to her about it or not.

Sometimes in life we will never get that apology we believe we need. Finally, I had to learn that I have to get closure. Closure is a luxury, not anything that is guaranteed to us. Holding on to something to get an apology later is only hurting yourself. Those moments of: "I just need to talk to him/her, and let them know how they hurt me. I feel like if I let them know then I will feel better." Honestly, most of the time that backfires, because sometimes you don't get the response that you were hoping for, and it makes you relive those feelings.

So here is my advice to my sweet children. Find a way to get closure for yourself. Forgive quickly and love deeply.

Happy 2nd Birthday to my Baby Boy

Wow. Another year has passed us by and my baby boy is TWO

Size 4 diapers.
Size 6 shoes
Size 2t clothing in some things other things he still wears 12 months.
12 teeth. Missing his "fang teeth" on both top and bottom. They have been trying to come in for a couple months but are just taking FOREVER.

side= outside
toes = toes and clothes
sis sis = sister madison
My-yo = Milo
Bubba- his name
My mom - My name
happy = this makes me happy
pop pop = popcorn
show = tv or movie
too too = train
hod jew = hold him
i saw e = sorry
yeah yeah yeah = he wants to watch the movie Sing
Pay pace - is any play place ANYWHERE


his favorite songs right now to sing for bedtime is hallelujah, baby mine, and sometimes I can sing you are my sunshine.

In the car he loves to listen to Newsies Seize the Day on repeat
Braden loves to get his nails painted, watch movies, play with play dough and do whatever his sister is doing. Every morning this summer he has wanted to throw water balloons in the back yard or eat at mcdonalds

We threw Braden a train themed birthday because he is TWO-TWO! He has a fun personality and has really started to talk in the last couple weeks.

A better Mother

5/24/17

Today was a rough day. Zach was gone and we were were at our wits end. First day of summer and by 11am we've run out of things to do. My children have a hard time understanding that we can't go to the zoo and spend lot of money every single day. Summer has begun and lots of the time will be spent at our house just finding stuff to do. 

I told Madison that to "earn" technology she needed to do homework or chores. Each page or chore would be worth 5 minutes. She got angry and this morning refused to do any work. She is upset at every suggestion and saying "IM BORED" over and over. I had finally had enough and yelled at her. 

She responded with "If you were a better Mother, you'd be ashamed of yourself right now"

Ouch. Those words stung so deeply. I know she didn't know what she was saying but how much truth echoed through her words. If you were a better mother, you'd be ashamed of yourself right now. Woof. I thought about this the rest of the day as we continued to argue and find no common ground. It was a hard day for both of us. Then when we finally made amends and things started to cheer up, brother decided to have a bad day and things came crashing down again. It felt like I just couldn't win today. 

Parenting is never easy. We have good days. We have bad days. Our children see all of that. What kind of mother do I want them to remember? One that yells? One that is always angry? Or do I want them to remember one that is kind, and spoke softly, one who helped others, was always singing or humming a song. One who truly loved them. 

Madison fought dirty today. At another point in our day she said she hated this house and wished that we still lived in our tiny apartment because I was nicer there. Man she really knows how to pack those bunches. Its opened a lot of  Mommy Self Reflection on my part. Hopefully it will be a good thing and tomorrow will be better. However, I'm terrified to fight with her as a teenager. Lets pray she does not fight dirty then or I may end up curled up bawling in the corner. 

Happy Mothers Day to ME!

This is my 5th official Mothers Day.. if you count the one where Madi was still in cooking. It's amazing to look back on how much my life has changed and how much I have grown as a woman.

A girlfriend of mine was present to photograph the birth of Braden. Some of the images she captured are my most prized possessions. She asked me what birth has taught me. This was my response:

"Birth has taught me that I am stronger than I ever thought possible and my body can do incredible things. With my daughter, it prepared me and turned me in to a mother. To think of someone else's needs before my own and to grow as a woman. With my son, it taught me that in that same beautiful moment; life can end as quickly as it begins. It's hard to think that the happiest and scariest moments of my life occurred on the same day and only minutes apart. I learned to cherish every happy, scary, sweet and sad moment that life has to offer. Birth never goes as planned and no two are the same, they are as unique as the mothers that endure it. But oh what a beautiful thing to endure."

Isn't that the truth? Giving birth brought me to this whole new level of amazing women who call themselves Mothers. I'm sad to say that my days of pregnancy and child birth are behind me. Though I am completely ok with only having two children, the rest of the world seems to think differently. We live in Utah... where most people believe the more children, the better. They seem stunned when at such a young age I am confidant in my decision to have no more children. It is usually follow up with several inappropriate questions and mostly I just want to shake them and yell I ALMOST DIED GIVING BIRTH TO THE LAST ONE. Which granted isn't the main reason for not having any more children but it is a big one.

Our life is perfect with the two of you. It's also complicated with our situation because of how much your Dad works. We don't know how long this career will last, but we know for now I wouldn't be able to handle having another child. What if I get put on bedrest at 4 months pregnant with two small children around. What if I go in to labor early? What if Zach has to miss it? Zach is gone every other week, its just not a good idea for us. Truthfully I grew up in a family of two. There are times when I wish I had another sibling to turn to when William is driving me crazy. Because there is only two of us and we love each other. I want to give my children the best in life and give you every opportunity. Zach grew up in a family of 5 boys. They didn't experience the finer things in life. Not that I believe children should be spoiled, but I'd like them to be comfortable.

My world revolves around two little people. My children see my good days and my bad. They know how to make me smile and how to push my buttons. They know me better than probably anyone. Sometimes I feel like I have "lost myself" in motherhood but really it was these two who helped me find who I am supposed to be. I am grateful to be their mother.

My little Boy 21 months

28 lb
Size 18 months and some 2T
Size 4 Diapers
Size 4 shoe


Oh how we are back to the stage that I have a love hate relationship with. The lack of communication and strong willed personality bundled with overwhelming sweet gestures and things to make us laugh. The perfect explanation for this age is truly a Sour Patch Kid... First hes sour, then hes sweet.

Things my Bubba loves

When I sing him songs he quickly says "shhh" to make me stop and then giggles like a crazy person. Then once I stop he asks me to sing again. Stinker!

When we are watching tv he likes to sit on your lap and put his arms behind his head to relax.

He still drinks from a bottle but only at bedtimes. He never was a binky baby so its his method of soothing. He is by far a much better sleeper than Madi was. He typically sleeps through the night but sometimes wakes up between 3-5 for a bottle.

Braden has 12 teeth and his top "fang" teeth are just barely starting to burst through. He has gone pee on the potty several times and only pooped once. Hes ahead of schedule from where his sister was at this age but I have such a hard time wanting to potty train until babies are able to really communicate so we know when its time to go.

He loves playing at the new park behind out house and has become quite a master of all the stairs and slides. It still scares the heck out of me, but he is happy and content doing it himself and does not let me help at all.

In the car he always removes only one shoe and sock. This happens within seconds of being in the car and hes done this since he was about 9 months old.

Braden can say Hello, Sister, Dog, Up, I love you, toot toot, Please, Show, Outside, Thank you, Ball, Baba, and I think that's about it plus all his animal sounds . He can understand so much and does well and getting his point across of what he needs. He loves to play outside and is currently obsessed with bubbles and chalk. His favorite show to watch is Chuggington. I believe its because our new house is right by the railroad tracks and so there is one constantly going by. Whenever they pass he stops and yells TOO TOOT

Mom Guilt

Mom guilt is a very real thing. It can hit at any time to anyone. It even happens with Dad's. It is the worst. We spend so much of our time comparing ourselves to the people and "friends" we see on social media. We forget that people only post the good stuff. No one's status update says "I yelled at the kids twice today" or "We ate mac n cheese for dinner for the third night in a row". You only see the good. The clean houses, the fun outings, the happy toddlers. It's not to say its all lies, because those moments do happen. Truthfully when we want to look back on our lives we only want to see the good. Even I have fallen victim to posting the good online.

I have also fallen victim to mom guilt. It hit so strong this week. Zach is gone again and my patience has been so low lately. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am thankfully out of the depression with my IUD out but I feel like I am still regulating. This is not to make excuses for my behavior, but I can definitely see how this is bothering me deep down.

I forget my daughter is only 4 years old. Her emotions run deep and her listening skills lack. I forget my son is only 21 months old and his emotions also run deep but his communication skills lack. I lose patience with my children all too quickly. I yell in the moment and then regret and cry myself to sleep. I want to have less regrets. I don't want to yell at my kids anymore. I had a bad day with Madison. Yesterday she was jumping on the bed after I told her several times to stop she finally smacked her head on the headboard. She cried and I had very little sympathy for the girl who refused to listen. Today as I was brushing her hair I noticed sure enough, she had a cut on her head, she was in pain and this jerk of a mother brushed off her feelings and yelled at her to stop crying. What kind of monster am I?

I don't understand how I did SO well with Madison in the beginning. I had so much patience, we read books every day, we did activities, we didn't watch tv, I never tired of putting her down, we communicated even before she could talk, I let her express her feelings in a healthy way, I don't think I even raised my voice at her for the first 18 months of her life.

Fast forward to two children.... oh my. They say you are more relaxed your second time around and while that is true in some ways, I believe its out of necessity. You will go crazy trying to do everything the "right" way, so you let a lot of things go. I'm so tired from working I hardly stop to sit and read to Braden. I crave alone time so much more now. It could be because when Zach is gone and I take care of the kids 24/7 I just really need a break. Or I'm stressed out at work and have to get things done when I'm home. Like wash dishes and laundry and cleaning and basically just an endless list of things to do. I know they say making memories with your children is important and the house keeping can wait.... and while that is a wonderful thought, its not logical. I have to do laundry or my kids are naked, I have to cook dinner or my kids starve, I have to clean the house or we live in chaos and filth, which can't be good for anyone stress levels.  Just frustrating all around.

I feel like a failure as a mom sometimes. I feel like my children deserve better. I love them dearly. I really do. I need to work hard every day to be better at this. I want my children to remember the good. I want them to love their mom. I just need to keep working to be better.

We bought a house!

We have officially become adults and purchased our first home. It's a 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bathroom, 1,600 sq feet and a huge backyard. We are so excited for this new opportunity.
We closed on February 2, 2017 and moved in about 4 days later.

Our new address is
1725 W 140 S
Orem Ut 84058

A letter to my husband...

There were times I felt bitter toward you, especially when you were a in college, and I was transitioning to being a stay at home mom with Madi.  You didn’t understand my struggle. I ate, slept, and breathed our child, and felt consumed and alone. 

You had a life outside of parenthood to continue, and while I stopped mine, I accommodated yours. For a period of time, we moved often and lived out of boxes. Once, we even resided in a single bedroom of  your parents house. For years, I manned the night wakings and offered my body around the clock to our babies as the only consistent comfort amidst constant upheaval.

Whenever you were off from work, I took our toddler out the minute she woke up so you could sleep sleep just a little longer, but not always without resentment. I remember one morning, as I walked around, killing time with our little girl attached, I muttered, “I can do all this by myself.”

Because of life’s inherent uncertainty, I’ve actually considered the truth of that statement. I’ve now been a stay-at-home mom for almost five years and have wondered if I could actually survive on my own. Emotional well-being aside, would I even be able to provide food and shelter? I never thought I’d ask myself that question, being the self-sufficient woman I thought myself to be, but the honest answer is yes, I’d be fine. After all, I’m a go-getter, and that’s the reason all this staying home has been hard in the first place. Right?

I’d make it, although there’d be details to figure out. You’re the dreamer, and you build our lives on the fantasies you manifest. Your  job is the one that would allow us to live a life of freedom and adventure in around the world one day. I don’t have a vision for life without you, and the only notion of home I have is wherever we are. But I certainly wouldn’t head for the jungle on my own, and I wouldn’t do a new city either. 

You’re are graduated now, and because you sometimes work 15 days a month, and 24 hours a day, I know that technically I can do this by myself. I pack bags and load babies like a boss. I clean toilets and play hide-and-seek simultaneously. I disguise trips to the grocery store as outings for cookies and have prepared many a meal with one hand. But despite my capability, I count down the time for you to come home, not because I so desperately need you to change the next diaper or fill the next sippy cup, but because I want you

I don’t necessarily need you to carry scooters and tell the kids when it’s time to turn around while out on family walks. I need you to hold my hand and talk to me. 

I can put all the dishes away and find the missing shoe by myself, but with you, farts are funny, and ice cream tastes better.

I can certainly put the kids to sleep by myself (sort of), but when we stroll together, the full moon looks fuller, and I’m inclined to admire it longer.

I can take our daughter to preschool by myself, but when that cute little boy beelines to say good morning to her, and another boy helps her with a problem, I notice the sweetness, but I don’t giggle like I would with you.

I don’t need you to share parenting responsibilities with me out of fairness or survival, but for the joy of doing so. With you, the funny moments are funnier, the cute moments are cuter, and contrary to the pattern, the terrible moments are less so. Life is simply better with you.

We don’t only co-parent, we co-experience life.

We create and reflect on the same reality, and that somehow deepens the meaning of it all. When I see a beautiful sunset, and you say, “Look at that!” you validate what I see, and all of a sudden the colors become even brighter and more captivating.

I don’t necessarily need you for practical or worldly reasons, but I need you to know me. When I laugh, you’re aware of exactly why. And when I don’t say anything at all, you read my mind. You love my insecurities as you do my strengths, and your understanding gives me confirmation of myself. We’re like two beings from the same source, who get to witness more of themselves through each other.

It’s true that I don’t need you to survive. I need you for so much more.

You are my everything and there is no place else I would rather be then with you. I feel safe and can relax when you are home. This last year has caused so many changes in our marriage as we adapt to new roles in parenthood. We have had ups and down, and battling depression for me didn't help at all. But you gave me strength. When I have a thought that "I can do this alone" I am reminded that I could never do it with out you. We have done well so far raising two beautiful babies together.  I appreciate every morning that you get up with the children so I can sleep just a few more minutes. That you work hard around our house even when your tired. That you always tell me I'm beautiful every day. That you say I love you often. You teach your children to be kind and loving. You play pretend. You love their Mom. You are our rock. 

You are a big part of our family, we couldn't do this without you, never for get that. 

We love you, Daddy.