Braden started kindergarten last week. He may have been smiling under his mask but I was bawling behind mine. I did so good holding it together for Madison and only a few tears as I got in to the car. The following week we took Braden for his first day and I could not contain it. The principal was walking around with his boom box playing “try everything” by Shakira. Our preschool song... playing... as I said good bye to my baby. The song that played at the start of every preschool day, to the boy who has been to preschool with me since the womb. It seemed fitting to start this next chapter with that song. I could sense the excitement and fear as Braden grabbed my hand. After we dropped him off I sobbed in the car while Zach and I drove to breakfast, something we had been DREAMING of for years. The day of celebration when our babies would finally both be in school and we could enjoy or time alone together. But motherhood is funny like that — the thing you want most is a break from it all and when that break happens you just want them back.
I was taking to a girlfriend who chose distance learning for her daughter this year because of covid. She was worried about keeping her home from kindergarten. I told her about my “bonus year” with Madi and how much fun it was for us. I enjoyed the extra year I got to be with her and do things as a family. At the time I remember being so upset and stressed about her missing out that I didn’t really realize how much of an actual bonus it was. That year flew by.... and then the next 2 flew by, and here we are starting third grade. Walking in to her first day with all the confidence I could have ever hoped for for that little girl. Not the scared, crying, little one I had to drag out of the car two years before.
Pathetic is that I’m currently sobbing while writing this in my bed — but I want to remember.
When the world exploded in March school was switched to online and all the kids were sent home. Preschool was cancelled. Stores were closed and there was nothing to do but be together. Now, I’m a fun mom. I really am. And I was fun from about March - May. Then I was a burnt out, grumpy mom, counting down the minutes till school started again and I didn’t have to be their teacher anymore. However the minute they got out of the car my heart sank and I wanted them back.
It really hit me this week that we are on to the next chapter. I knew it had quietly been sneaking up on me this past year but now it’s like BAM it’s here. Deal with it. I was talking to Madi about what she wanted for her birthday and it was all “grown up” things. Braden is suddenly independent. They don’t need me for the things they used to. What used to fill my mornings with bubble guppies and doc mcstuffins is now these weird tween cartoons and medical / science shows they like watching. WHAT?! When did this happen?! They wake up on their own and make breakfast before I’m even out of bed.
When you’re a new mother you BEG for time to pass quickly. You miss your “previous life” and can’t wait for your kids to grow to get some of that freedom back but I’m here to tell you... I’m at the beginning of that stage right now and if I could rewind the last decade with the knowledge I have now, I would. I would soak in every late night, every sleepy snuggle, every silly song, every belly laugh, every messy face, or bubble bath because before you know it they are just gone. There is no warning that today is their last day as a baby.... it just slowly slips away and in their place is a smart sassy kid.
So this is my reminder to myself to SOAK IT IN. Soak in their childhood years right along with them. Put down your damn phone and just be there in the moment. The quote “the years are short but the days are long” drove me nuts as a new mother but oh how true those words echo in my head.
