Across the aisle

I crossed the aisle today. 

You know, the one that separates the toddler sizes from the big kid sizes.

If you’re shrugging your shoulders and saying “so what?” . . . it’s probably because you haven’t done it yet.

The other morning our four-year-old was standing in the kitchen when I noticed how short his 5T pajamas were getting on his tall frame. It was obvious he needed the next size up, so I made a mental note to grab some for him the next time I went to Target. Not a big deal.

Except it WAS a big deal to this mama’s heart.

I was standing right smack dab in the middle of the toddler section, between the Cat & Jacks and the Carter’s, when it hit me that there was no such thing as 6T. 

Because once a kid is big enough to be in 6T, he’s actually ready to move on up to boy sizes. 

Not baby. Not toddler. But boy. Like, KID boy.

Across the aisle.

I realized in that moment I've been living in denial. 

I see my boy growing up before my eyes. I’ve noticed the edges of his face becoming less round and more mature. I’ve heard the witty things he says. I’ve noticed the way he pours his own cereal and makes his own bed. I’ve listened as he tells me more and more often, “No thanks, Mom. I don’t need help this time.” 

I’ve had a front-row seat to his metamorphosis, but I haven’t accepted it—not really. 

Because in my mind, he’s still a baby. That sweet, smiley, precious little baby—the first one we ever brought home from the hospital. 

My heart hasn’t been ready to admit that now he’s a boy who will be starting school in the blink of an eye. A boy who is officially outgrowing the remnants of toddlerhood. A boy whose height apparently requires his mama to make her first trips across the aisle.

As I stepped foot into the big boy section, my heart physically ached at the reminder of passing time.

I felt a spark of hope when I saw how big all of the clothes hanging on the racks were. They were HUGE—surely he wasn’t really big enough to wear those yet. Surely it wasn’t time. 

I grabbed a pair of Spiderman pajamas and made my way to the checkout, hopeful we’d have to store them in the closet for a while until he grew into them. 

On the drive home, I thought about newborn giggles and determined first steps and the way it sounded the first time he called me Mama. 

Then I thought with pride about all of the things he’s doing now. Playing basketball, learning to read, soaking up the world around him. 

And last, I thought about all the things his future has in store. And I smiled through teary eyes.

At home, his eyes lit up when I handed him the bag, and even though it was only 4:30 he ran off to his room to change. I watched him go and swallowed the lump in my throat.

He’s growing up, this beautiful first blessing of mine—but we’re both gonna be okay.

And those boy-sized Spiderman pjs? 

They fit perfectly.

2019-2020

As the year comes to a close I have to give an overview of everything in our world right now. 

Remember that puppy I got for my 30th birthday? Yeah, he gone. In January we had to find him a different forever home after he chewed up several things of mine and Milo started refusing to eat and went on hunger strike until he lost weight. Charlie is now part of an awesome family in Provo and we are happy for him. 

Milo is still hanging out and being the most chill 3 year old dog ever. We love him lots! 

Braden turned 4 this year. He’s starting to lose his baby fat and looking more like a little boy every day. Last night we were watching home alone and I kept laughing that Kevin reminded me so much of him. Always up to something. He loves to play nerf battles, with his army men, with hot wheels and color with his sister. When dad is home he loves to play video games with him or “pretend video games” where they run around the house shooting guns on a mission. 

Braden LOVES milk. It’s his drink of choice. Still won’t drink soda at all, which I’m totally ok with. He still isn’t night time potty trained but apparently boys take forever with that. He is doing speech therapy once a week at the elementary school. His teacher was miss Jana but is now mrs castle. He loves showing off for her and is working hard on his sounds. I will definitely miss his toddler speech but I know it’s important to fix now. I can’t believe he will be in kindergarten in the fall. 

Madison is a rockstar in second grade. She’s a bit of a teachers pet and is always so well behaved at school. She is already getting involved with school yard girl drama that I swear I had a few more years till I had to worry about it. She loves rocks, LOL dolls, anything art, metallic tattoos and makeup. She loves having dance parties and is always willing to snuggle when we watch tv. Right now before bed she likes to climb in to my bed and watch a show called Nailed It, just her and I. She’s turning in to a mini me and I love it. She’s also getting good at piano but has recently told me she wants to stop that and learn violin. I told her she can learn both. 

Zach is doing big things. The man never sits still. I would love to be in his brain for one day. He’s always coming up with an invention or a way to fix an issue at work. He recently was head hunted by several companies that want him to work for them.... yes, he is that good. He said he wants to go back for his PHD but I told him we are young, we can wait a bit till more school. I don’t know where we will end up but with this guy I know at least the road to get there will be fun! 

I am in my last year of teaching preschool. After 5 crazy busy years, our doors are closing. The preschool I’m currently with (Little Explorers) will be closing and it seems fitting considering I will no longer have a preschooler and life is about to get even more busy. However I am sad to close this chapter in my life. I have really enjoyed teaching and I love those kids. I have been thankful for the experiences, the knowledge and especially the growth I have had as a person. Not to mention never having to pay for my children’s preschool ($$$$). I have loved having a front row seat to their child development and watching them learn and grow, I am lucky I got to help in that when most parents never see it. 

I was having a hard time wrapping my head around next year. With Braden gone every morning and me no longer working WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!? It really stated to depress me and I felt like I needed to find a job or decide what would keep me busy next year. Zach pointed out that because I have taught the last 5 years, this will actually be my first time with a “morning off”. It definitely put things in to perspective. I will be able to run errands, go to the gym, clean the house or do whatever needs to be done without little kids in tow. That seems so weird. I thought I would be raising babies for at least another 10 years so it’s hard to realize this next chapter is already happening. And after that Braden is In first grade and my babies are gone ALL day. So for the remainder of this school year I will accept my chaos and soak in every moment and in the fall I will enjoy my one year of “mornings off” while I figure out this next season of life we are in. 

It’s crazy to think that an entire decade has passed.... and I have spent that ENTIRE decade with Zach. I’ve said it before that the 10 year mark is so significant to me. As a child it’s the year you hit double digits and begin to think you’re on top of the world. In marriage, it shows 1/3 of my life and the ups and downs and growth that come along in that amount of time. I am proud to say I am no where near the woman I was 10 years ago. Though she was spunky and fun, she was also nieve and self conscious. In the last 10 years I have become a wife and mother and though those two things are not the only things that define me, they make up such a huge part of who I am today and for that, I am grateful to end the year/decade with them.