We survived

Today was just you and I. It was not the easiest thing I have ever done but after today I feel like its all just going to get easier.

We woke up early (after a rough night) and took dad to school. Then you and I went back to the hospital for another jaundice test. Then ran to your doctor for a weight check and the results.. Doctor says you look perfect and you gained .5 oz putting you at a whopping 5.13 but your bellirubin test was high so I have to take you again tomorrow for another test. We jumped back in the car and tackled a trip to babies r us for the last minute stuff we need. Then ran by the quilters to drop off a blanket I'm making for grandpa, picked up lunch and made it just in time to get dad from school to come home abs have a picnic.

I will admit that I felt so accomplished. However it was not all rainbows and butterflies. I had a meltdown in the dr office trying to work with the lactation specialist. My milk still isn't coming in and well breastfeeding is really hard and not going so well for us. Again we were both man handled and both of us got frustrated as you started to scream. So then I began to cry too. I seem to do that a ton these days.

This lady was more comforting about my distress than the lady at the hospital was. She said just remember one thing. Every day tell yourself " I am fed, my baby is fed, today was a success." and to forget about everything else for a while.

So everyday we figure out how to survive together. I am so content just holding you the whole time. I miss the hospital because that's all we did. People brought me food, cleaned my room and reminded me when it was time for medicine. My job was just to love you. It was heaven.

Tonight seems to be going better as well. We are alone while dad is at work. I figured out a feeding system that I hope continues to work for us and in fact. I picked you up from your crib expecting you to want to eat 30 minutes ago, but you fell back asleep in my arms and I love just looking at you. Maybe daddy will be home soon and will want to give you a bottle before he goes to sleep.

Either way Madison. We are figuring this all out. Every day we are just a little closer. I am so in love with you. It's still not quite kicking in that you are mine. No one is coming to take you home. I am your mommy. I am the one that comforts you when you cry. Oh great. Here come the water works again! You are such an emotional mess after having a baby. Just know I love you.