All dried up

First I must say that this entry might be too much personal information about your mom, so feel free to skip it if you would like.
Tonight I am sad. Since the moment you have come into the world I have always wanted the best for you. You hear over and over the benefits of breastfeeding babies vs. formula.  I knew I was going to nurse and I knew it would be hard but worth it. I have heard horror stories from friends of the pain and difficulty associated with nursing but I was going to give it my best try because I wanted you to have the best start. Well I found out within an hour of you being born that this just wasn't going to work for us. Apparently ladies have big nipples that stick out like pinkie fingers and newborns have no problem latching on. I do not. There is nothing for you to latch on to. I talked with 3 different lacktation specialists and have been felt up by countless women all trying to get this to work. I also wasent producing anything and started to worry when nothing was happening and I was not feeding you. The doctor said it was fine and that it could take up to 4 days before my milk came in. I started to worry thinking, so my baby starves for 4 days?! I supplemented with formula just to make sure you were at least fed and tried pumping all the time to get my supply up. A total of 5 days after you were born my milk started coming in. What a relief. However my nipples still never got the message and so I would have to pump and serve. The first week home I tried a nipple shield with a small tube hooked up to it that I would pump the breastmilk I already pumped. So it was supposed to be as close to nursing until my body figured it out. But you have to understand that trying to get all the stuff set up in order to "fake" boob feed you, while you are screaming, and Dad isnt home.....It just was not going to work. I caved and said screw it, you can do bottles. So then we were left with just pump and serve and this worked out ok. I was not sure how long it would last because it was hard to go places when you were tied to this stupid machine. And between feeding you every 3 hours (which took 35 minutes to do) then pump for 10 minutes and clean up, it felt like it was time to start all over again. I promised myself I would go for as long as I can. Deep inside I honestly felt a stab at my motherhood. How can I not do the one thing my body is designed to do? UGH!!!!

As the days went on, my supply started to go up and I started to feel better about this whole thing. Then suddenly I could barely produce an ounce on each side. So I called the doctor and read everything online to try and get my supply to go back up. No luck. Frustrated that I am now not producing enough to feed you, I again had to supplyment with formula.

Then the breastfeeding titanic hits an iceberg. I got the flu. I wanted to die and was so out of it from being so sick and taking care of a newborn, I forgot to pump 2 times in a row. Damn. This didn't help the situation. Then I tried to pump and nothing came out. NOTHING! Its now been a day and again, nothing is coming out. I think I am all dried up.

I'm sorry Madi, I tried, I really did. I feel like I let you down. I feel like I let myself down.

Tomorrow is my final effort to pump. If nothing happens then that's the end for us and you will be a chubby formula baby.  I hope you have better luck with you babies if you choose to breast feed.