Mom Guilt

Mom guilt is a very real thing. It can hit at any time to anyone. It even happens with Dad's. It is the worst. We spend so much of our time comparing ourselves to the people and "friends" we see on social media. We forget that people only post the good stuff. No one's status update says "I yelled at the kids twice today" or "We ate mac n cheese for dinner for the third night in a row". You only see the good. The clean houses, the fun outings, the happy toddlers. It's not to say its all lies, because those moments do happen. Truthfully when we want to look back on our lives we only want to see the good. Even I have fallen victim to posting the good online.

I have also fallen victim to mom guilt. It hit so strong this week. Zach is gone again and my patience has been so low lately. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am thankfully out of the depression with my IUD out but I feel like I am still regulating. This is not to make excuses for my behavior, but I can definitely see how this is bothering me deep down.

I forget my daughter is only 4 years old. Her emotions run deep and her listening skills lack. I forget my son is only 21 months old and his emotions also run deep but his communication skills lack. I lose patience with my children all too quickly. I yell in the moment and then regret and cry myself to sleep. I want to have less regrets. I don't want to yell at my kids anymore. I had a bad day with Madison. Yesterday she was jumping on the bed after I told her several times to stop she finally smacked her head on the headboard. She cried and I had very little sympathy for the girl who refused to listen. Today as I was brushing her hair I noticed sure enough, she had a cut on her head, she was in pain and this jerk of a mother brushed off her feelings and yelled at her to stop crying. What kind of monster am I?

I don't understand how I did SO well with Madison in the beginning. I had so much patience, we read books every day, we did activities, we didn't watch tv, I never tired of putting her down, we communicated even before she could talk, I let her express her feelings in a healthy way, I don't think I even raised my voice at her for the first 18 months of her life.

Fast forward to two children.... oh my. They say you are more relaxed your second time around and while that is true in some ways, I believe its out of necessity. You will go crazy trying to do everything the "right" way, so you let a lot of things go. I'm so tired from working I hardly stop to sit and read to Braden. I crave alone time so much more now. It could be because when Zach is gone and I take care of the kids 24/7 I just really need a break. Or I'm stressed out at work and have to get things done when I'm home. Like wash dishes and laundry and cleaning and basically just an endless list of things to do. I know they say making memories with your children is important and the house keeping can wait.... and while that is a wonderful thought, its not logical. I have to do laundry or my kids are naked, I have to cook dinner or my kids starve, I have to clean the house or we live in chaos and filth, which can't be good for anyone stress levels.  Just frustrating all around.

I feel like a failure as a mom sometimes. I feel like my children deserve better. I love them dearly. I really do. I need to work hard every day to be better at this. I want my children to remember the good. I want them to love their mom. I just need to keep working to be better.