Feeling Defeated

Today sucked. I am tired. Mad. Grumpy. Frustrated. Feeling fat. Feeling lonely. Feeling like a crappy parent. Just all around sucky day.

Last night we got word that Zach would NOT be getting an interview for the job with Air Med that we were really hoping for. This job would have allowed more time at home and for him to be able to come to church with us on Sundays. You see, in the last 6 months I think he has only been able to be with us at church maybe 4 times. Not only is it sad for Zach to not be able to take the sacrament and feel of the spirit, but is also hard for me to wrangle two kids through church all by myself. Thankfully Braden is big enough for nursery now or there is a LARGE chance we would be completely inactive right now.

We are frustrated. Frankly, I'm a little mad with the Guy upstairs too. WHY can't he have this new job? The pay was the same it was just more time with his family. We weren't being greedy money hungry people. We simply wanted more time together. Truthfully, I hate this job with all my heart. Yes I am grateful that it pays the bills and we are finally able to afford a home and all that we currently have. BUT I MISS MY FREAKING HUSBAND. Do you know how upsetting it was to talk with him last night and hear the pain in his voice about not getting the job? He wanted to be home just as much as we wanted him to be home. What is even worse is that he wasn't here to comfort. He was in an entire different state BECAUSE of this stupid job. I try to look at the positive "well at least when hes off he's with us all day long" but sometimes that isn't enough. We try to make it count when he is home, but it's almost like I wont allow myself to truly enjoy the time he is home because before I know it he will be gone again. What trial am I supposed to learn from this? How much longer will it continue? I know everyone always says "its because something better is meant for you". But what? When? SO many questions and feeling like they are a shout in the dark with no response. It makes you lose hope.

I have struggled so much the last two years. I want to blame post partum depression however, I do not believe that is the case. I believe it is truly this job. It has caused me to be more stressed out and up tight than I ever was before. I was not made to be a single mother and I did not sign up for marriage to do this alone. Parenting via Facetime is not effective and a relationship via text message is not a strong one. Yes, we talk all day long but it isn't the same as having him home every night and feeling his arms around me. When I've had an extra rough day, there is no comfort, no break. I just do it all over again the next day. I KNOW this is not Zach's fault. I just want the guy around. I do not have the patience to be ALONE with my children for 6 days straight. I can make it about three days before I completely lose my shit and turn in to a manic. My children do NOT deserve this. I know they don't. I can see how my behavior is rubbing off on them and that is making it even worse. I mean truly.... I yell and now they yell. I say unkind things and they say unkind things to each other. Monkey see. Monkey do. You feel defeated as a parent. I am not enough for them. I am not a perfect parent. No one is. But when I only had Madison I was so much more put together. I was kind and patient. Poor Braden only knows this psycho of a lady he is forced to grow up with. Damn it, no two year old deserves to be yelled at like that kid gets. Honestly, he is more of a handful than Madison ever was so some of it is deserved but sometimes its not. I don't want my children to remember me this way. It breaks my heart and I cry myself to sleep more than I'd like to admit.

I keep telling myself that Two kids was our number. I justify it in so many ways and people have kind of stopped asking if/when I am having more. Truthfully, we wanted 4 and I think if he had a normal job working 9-5 would probably would have had two more. It is just too hard to do this alone.

We will get through this trial. It may kill us but we will make it through.

Ugh. I am just angry. To my children reading this in the future. It's ok to be angry. Hell, it's even a little therapeutic to write down everything you are feeling.  Sometimes you need to get those emotions out. Find a healthy way that you can express how you are feeling.